Disgustingly gross faux-wine cooler with beleaguered lemon-limed 7-Up spritz. Who buys this rueful drool?  Trendy ’90s-bound seltzer-spumed scum suckers. ‘Zumthing Ztupid.’

Canadian version of Carlsberg strong lager found on Montreal trip ’06. Cloy glutenous malting and phenol hop bittering slacken crisp water briskness. Rugged corn-starched resolve and musty grained finish decrease value further. Pungent alcohol aftertaste lacks fortitude.

Vital statistics: 8% alcohol in 32 ounce can for 99 cents. One-dimensional cloying corn malts and clinging Brussels lace never dissipate as musty barley-wheat rounds out dire diacetyl bottom. Compares favorably to France’s feeble Fritz Brau.

Listless lemon-dried pearl-headed clear-yellowed African brew retains soft-grained moderate strength and mildewed bitter resolve emulating German-styled lager, but weak-bodied nature and unassuming alcohol-saturated finish lessen its value.

Grainy water-based simplicity sweetened by slovenly sugared corn malts. Faint hops don’t provide enough bitterness to dull finish. Listless blue collar fodder somehow better under Molson banner. Maybe it’s the water source.

Hefty 7.3% alcohol content negatively affects musty barley aroma, buttery Scotch mouthfeel, sticky sugar malt persistence and sweet cherry backdrop. Worse, delicate hop-backed diacetyl finish lacks pizzazz. Dry fruit jag and creamed corn respite cannot overcome soapy flow.

Soft white-headed clear-toned dry-bodied musty-hopped non-alcoholic ‘malt beverage’ has bright, sunny disposition and ultra light resolution. Spry hop perk disguises lack of grain bite and true grit, yet crystal water crispness, polite bitterness, and lemon freshness appeals to tolerant lightweights.

Bitterly dank corn malts corrupt syrupy butterscotch-sourdough pleasantry and fizzy-hopped lemony sourness of steadied yeast-sinewed moderate body. Honeyed raisin-fig acridity falls short to watery carbolic finish. Commonplace, flat, and not nearly as strong as 7% malt liquor indicator. But at $1.99 for 22 ounces, it’s a prudent investment for slumming lager heads.

Despite spoiled malt scent and unassuming nature, this translucent pale body happens to be the best cheap American malt liquor. Fizzy maize mouthfeel, slick hop slack, and white bread slumber merge with slim unripe orange-apricot acridity for uncommonly mild blend.

Brutal 8.5% alcohol-smitten lager better defined as rancid malt liquor with harsh astringency countering cloying corn sugar detriment. Stale dry finish and soapy maize aftertaste further disturb. Priced right for a cheap buzz.

Nasty corn oil aroma suits cheap crystal malt saturation and cloying ginger ale flow. Heady alcohol subsidy soaks up syrupy corn-sugared buttered popcorn illusions.

Innovative brewer takes on uniquely challenging goal of making worthy malt liquor (sans customary nasty alcohol astringency) from gourmet milled corn. Encased in a paper bag, this massive plastic-capped 40-ounce bomber bottle contains well-balanced honeyed liquid securing sugar caned caramelized oat frontage. Secondary red cherry, bruised orange, and overripe grape concision backs thin barleywine illusion subtly embittered by floral hop spicing.