Disgustingly gross faux-wine cooler with beleaguered lemon-limed 7-Up spritz. Who buys this rueful drool?  Trendy ’90s-bound seltzer-spumed scum suckers. ‘Zumthing Ztupid.’

Palest yellow pearl-headed crud with dried maize waft suffers from slick corn syrup flow, cloy malt stickiness, and dismal finish. Slim barley-wheat base, mild carbolic hops, and sour candy whim don’t suffice.

Canadian version of Carlsberg strong lager found on Montreal trip ’06. Cloy glutenous malting and phenol hop bittering slacken crisp water briskness. Rugged corn-starched resolve and musty grained finish decrease value further. Pungent alcohol aftertaste lacks fortitude.

Vital statistics: 8% alcohol in 32 ounce can for 99 cents. One-dimensional cloying corn malts and clinging Brussels lace never dissipate as musty barley-wheat rounds out dire diacetyl bottom. Compares favorably to France’s feeble Fritz Brau.

Listless lemon-dried pearl-headed clear-yellowed African brew retains soft-grained moderate strength and mildewed bitter resolve emulating German-styled lager, but weak-bodied nature and unassuming alcohol-saturated finish lessen its value.